America: the land of the free, the brave, and the morbidlyenormous. Our great nation is listed as the third largest in the world but isit because of mere land mass or is it really because of the aberrant size ofits citizens? The obesity epidemic has reached a record high with more than 40 percent ofAmerican adults and 20 percent of adolescents affected, and according to the statistics,it is not halting anytime soon. But why are Americans so obese? Simple,because they can’t stop stuffing their faces and devouring food.
Truly, it iswith great sorrow that I see my fellow Americans desperately struggling to takeeven a single step, some stuck in wheelchairs, and some forced to stay at homedue to immobility. As much as I hate to admit it, obese people are simplyuseless. Stereotyped as lazy, it is unlikely they will impress employers,obtain jobs easily, make money, and contribute positively to society. In our country, unhealthy foods are as accessible as bathrooms and tomake matters worse, these foods are sold at the price of a penny. You wouldthink finding a solution to this problem is simple; however, with the plethoraof fatty foods readily available, our country seems to be promoting obesity ifanything.
As anabiding citizen who really cares about the state of my nation, I cannot standto allow this to continue to happen. My goal here is to not only help theAmericans who consume more calories than the Duggar family combined, but alsoto benefit the economy. I’ve been informed by many reliable sources on the WorldWide Web that along with the mass amounts of food that disappears into theirgaping mouths every day, obese people are also gobbling up the country’sresources. 190 billion dollars a year are wasted on treating obesity relatedissues and 580 billion dollars’ worth of economic productivity are lostdue to obesity, not to mention the extra billions of dollars of fuel wasted intoting around our over indulging colleagues. Therefore, I will propose mysolution that will effectively and efficiently end this epidemic: all obesepeople should have their mouths sewn for a period of time until their weightbecomes acceptable. With today’s advancements and the power of modernanesthetics, I’d say this procedure will be as quick and painless as clippingone’s own toe nails. I am positive that the benefits of my proposal are ofgreat importance and will have a long lasting and positive effect on ourcountry’s financial and social situations.
Firstly,I believe my solution will popularize and skyrocket the gym industry. Out offear of having their mouths sewn, people all over the country will flock togyms (and not just in January after making hopeless New Year’s resolutions).With the growing number of strong and fit people, the country will be healthierthan it has ever been and as a result, we will become a formidable rival forany country wanting to make war with us. It is a win-win situation!Secondly,our dear doctors will have a less burden of seeing patients with such ludicrousproblems. Now, they won’t have to worry about all the useless diet controlplans, treating weight related cardiovascular diseases, and type two diabetes.
Doctors and hospitals can now spend their time and money on more pressingissues such as researching cures for cancer and developing new medicines!Thirdly,the country will no longer have to spend needless money on greasy foods saturatedwith fat. America will no longer have worry about wasting money on bulkingredients to create deep dish pizzas the size of 18 wheeler tires or burgersthat weigh as much as young children. Instead, with the surplus money, we coulddonate it to other countries to help end world hunger. Or perhaps, we couldhelp a neighboring country start their own mouth sewing practice.Theseare only a few examples of how my proposal would be very beneficial.Truthfully, I do not take any pleasure at the sight of sewn mouths;however, this epidemic has become dire, affecting the population at large,financially, socially and from the health perspective.
My proposal is infalliblyfoolproof and I dearly hope that it will bring to attention the seriousness ofthis problem.
